From an early age, I had the desire to be a Mum. I fantasised about falling in love and being married and building a dream life. Whether it be down to overwatching of Disney films or a natural, animal instinct, I knew that having a family of my own was what was meant for me. I’ve always loved babies and children, but nothing prepared me for the level of love that you feel when you have your own.
When I discovered I was pregnant I was totally shocked. It was unexpected and I was unprepared, but there was something so magical about seeing that little heartbeat for the first time, and from that moment onwards things seemed to fall into place. I got engaged and bought a flat with the person I loved. Even though he came earlier in my life than I expected, Ted has been what I needed at just the right time. I was feeling lost about my place in the world, where I was going and what I was doing, and being a mum has helped me refocus on my goals.
For me, being a mum is about learning to love in a brand new way. It cannot be compared to any other sort of love. It’s both unconditional and indescribable. I look at him and I can’t believe that I created this little ball of energy and curiosity who is so clever and strong with the most charming personality already and a smile that is going to break hearts. How could he possibly be mine?
I love that I can share my passions with a mini me. I dream of the day we can write stories together and have Marvel movie marathons and read Harry Potter until we fall asleep. But most importantly, I can’t wait to see what he enjoys and what his passions blossom to be. I find myself full of wonder and what-ifs. Is he going to be good at football? What subject is going to be his strongest at school? Will he go to university? Will he have a family of his own one day?
However, the anticipation of the future does not stop me from enjoying each and every moment with him. Putting my phone down, turning the TV off and singing to him, reading to him, playing with him, and listening to him giggle and look up at me with his big gummy smile is the reassurance I always need to know that maybe, just maybe, I am doing a fantastic job.
Being a mum has been full a sacrifice for me also. Breastfeeding has meant I have had to miss out on nights out and time with my friends. I can’t afford to be selfish anymore, spending money on holidays and endless amounts of clothes. I can’t just go out and do what I want. But I was always prepared for that sacrifice, and as Ted is getting older I am getting more and more of a break, and a little bit of freedom and ‘me’ back. What is very poignant is that whenever I’m not with Ted, he is all I think about still.
However, motherhood has also opened up new opportunities for me. It’s got my creative juices flowing and meant I’ve finally committed to something I love- writing. Without being a mum, this blog would never have come to be. It’s also meant I’ve made new friends, and become closer to my old friends, who respect me as a mother and what I have achieved.
Being Ted’s mum is a new chapter to the book of me- a new part of my identity. I’m never going to be a conventional, stereotypical mum. You won’t find me baking or attending sensory classes, but I will always be there when Ted needs a cuddle. When he needs feeding. When he needs love. When he just needs his mummy. Being a mum has made me so much more confident as a person. It’s helped me embrace who I am and also made me realise I don’t care if others don’t like that person. Yes, I can be shy and a bit awkward. Yes, most the time I am in my very own Wonderland. Does that matter to Ted? No. He looks at me like I am the most wonderful person in the world. That little look of love is the drive behind my every choice and motivation and I am grateful that motherhood has been so kind to me so far.